[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes