[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.