Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.