Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Word!
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…