The hardest thing Vision has to do
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
you gotta be faster
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same