Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
58.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty