When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
No. YOU-buprofen.