*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
What
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)