i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.