I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.