sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶