I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
You Might Also Like
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”