Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
This is the one
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”