Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.