{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I have never related to a cat more
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals