I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?