Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.