And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.