👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
This anagram machine is out of order.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do