Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12