I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy