btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D