barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
What kind of a cult is this?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.