Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
There’s always that one guy
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO