*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell