*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Twitter is an abusement park.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym