I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?