Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
This will never not be funny 😭
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”