The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
You Might Also Like
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
58.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.