Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When you’re Kinky but poor
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me