Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
CRYING
Mad Max Arctic Road
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39