5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.