My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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The dark side of Canada
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Ion see the issue
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?