Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
oh you wanna fight?!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”