Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Trying
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.