30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You Might Also Like
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live