The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“Why you watching this shit?”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that