[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Room with a view.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.