My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
marvel comics have peaked
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!