I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.