My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
no!! no!!!!!!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.