Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’ve had relationships like this
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Inside you there are two wolves
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves