Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”