Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”