Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Cucumbers Anonymous
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.