In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is