We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*