Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.