my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….