If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out